I’ve been thinking a lot about men lately. I confess I think far too much about men and wish, mightily, that I was more Al Gore-like more save the whales than WTF is men’s thing-like. I could be solving the world’s clean water shortage but instead I am squinting and attempting to translate men like the Dead Sea scrolls. Ostensibly, I am doing it to help my girls navigate the shark infested waters of their male soaked future, but in truth, it is just me obsessing about men as often as men think about sex. Which is like what…every 7 seconds?
Maybe you’re thinking, why? Why is she so clearly devoted to this gender-based puzzle? Why bother trying to learn men as a second language? It’s because their freakn’ everywhere. You can’t avoid them. If I had that many spiders crossing my path every day, I’d be trying to figure out them too. It ain’t personal, it’s bidness.
So, after much scientific thought and years of data collection I have a couple of pointers.
1. Know that all men think you want them (which is quite different from women’s collective thoughts, which is that nobody wants them). I can’t explain this but I can prove it. A man I know, 72, with a new hip replacement rejected the kindly offer from a widower neighbor woman when she suggested she make dinner for him. “She’s old,” he said. She was 62. When I spoke to her about it she said, “I understand. I’m older—maybe I should consider dying my hair.”
2. Make no eye contact unless you want to party. Recently a man with a bottom lip filled with chew and one clouded over eyeball indicated he’d like to date me after allowing him to step in front of me at the check out-line. While I understand that offering a cut in line in fifth grade, IS the universal symbol for girlfriend, as we get older, I not so much. Avert your gaze.
3. When you meet a man; talk straight, choose words with no innuendo, and move on. The innuendo thing is terrifically difficult since most words, in the man-dialect have double meanings. Just try to stay clear of the obvious ones; balls, nuts, hot, wet, dirty, bang, bush, suck, blow, swallow, hump-day, come. It’s a jungle out there. Good luck.
4. Always remember, men are not your girlfriends. Even the sweetest, most evolved, Bouillabaisse cookin’ best of them. If you want to talk about cramps, paint colors, or communication call your best girl friend and emote away. If you want to talk about these things to your man, try to make it in 5 words or less ending with a yes or no answer. I’m just say’n.
5. In regards to your relationship, pay no attention to what they say, only what they do. This is a tough one for me. I love words, so if you call me baby and tell me I’m beautiful, I might give you my locker combination. So, I’m thinking of having a Cliff notes version tattoo’d on my forearm. You know like the Marines have Simper Fi. Mine will say Shut up and dance.
So, look, if you’re a man out there, reading this, don’t get your boy shorts in a bundle. This isn’t a male hating treatise. I’m just clearing the air a little from a lifetime of Disney ridiculousness; like men can take care of our every need while being adoring and hairless. That a man will search the lands for us and then, when you find us, will keep the dwarves at bay and sweep and sing a happy little tune all day long. That a husband while spending quality time with his wife, will manage a kingdom and keep 6-pack abs shiny and toned. I’m giving you guys a break here. If your gal gets the right message she may start to rub your belly more, expect less on Super bowl Sunday, and let you sleep late on weekends. Because, basically, women love men, we know they make great pets.
It is supplied with it’s own pet bed and in an attractive per carry box ideal as a gift for friends and family. Women’S Shorts
Ann,
You made me laugh and reflect this morning with an “AMEN sista!” I agree, men make great pets. I try and keep mine at the kennel and call them only when I need some roofing done, like now. They do come in handy for that.
I find that other words to avoid around men, who, yes, can make something dirty out of any statement, are: moist, hard, insert, long, jugs, and beaver, just to name a few. Working in the medical field, there is a whole other list that I could include here. If you’re not careful, you will hear the all too common come-back statement from them: “that’s what she said”.
I really should get paid more for working with them! Hazardous duty pay or something comparable.
Nice blog. I will look forward to checking it often!
PM
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by PM, Ann Wertz Garvin. Ann Wertz Garvin said: New blog post: I Love Men. They Make Great Pets http://www.annwertzgarvin.com/i-love-men-they-make-great-pets/ [...]
Ann this is so funny and all true! I’m trying to get rid of one of these hairy beasts as we speak. I guess I listened too much to what he said and observed him sitting on the coach way too much. I can’t wait to read your next post. Great job!!
Your headline “i love men. they make great pets…” is just good, other webmaster should learn from you..
Yay, I get to be first commenter! Great advice. I wholeheartedly agree. Men got the confidence gene, along with longer eyelashes, damn them, so we women need to take a page. I am constantly captivated by something about every woman I meet, no matter what her weight or fashion sense (or no fashion sense). I bet most women do this too. You just have to turn that inward. Hopefully our generation (or the next) gets that men are not women and acts (or will act) accordingly. I know my mother’s generation does NOT and it’s the source of much heartache. Well, it was. Now my parents are too worn out to care about the differences and accept each other. That’s 45 years we’d all like to get back. Congrats on the blog, sweets!
oooh, I wish I would have thought of the words you added. Spoken like a girl in the trenches. Glad you liked it!!!